When I assumed without thinking about it that I was a guy (who did not know she was actually a girl) I never liked the way I looked. I always felt very unattractive, and traits that I possessed that could have been described in neutral or positive ways were things that I always thought of in the negative. Some of that is a little bit Western-Standard-of-Beauty-by-Gender-related (my former male “chicken legs” became female “model legs”), but a lot of it falls outside of that, and the bottom line is this:
I was never unattractive. I was actually always very attractive, but, in not believing myself to be so, I never made any effort to take advantage of it. Not take advantage of it in a bad way, but more in terms of looking into fashions that would flatter my frame and whatnot. Basically, the things that I am doing now.
Doing this kind of full-body self-examination to some degree on essentially a daily basis has helped me love myself and the shell I live in. Yes, there are some things I would like to change, but they are, by and large, specific to gender appearance, and little else. I’d like to be slightly more toned and have a little less excess fat, but I really don’t have much, to begin with, and I love myself enough now that I am able to recognize that the schedule that I have (21 credits per quarter, every quarter, no quarters off) does not lend itself well to making time for regular and reliable exercise. I’m not beating myself up or anything (for not exercising as much as I’d like to), which makes it much easier to get some in when I do have the time and energy, and keeps it as a realistic future habit to establish, when I have a steadier and more sustainable long-term routine.
Part of the self-examination, particularly of my face, is what led me to the conclusion I opened with — that I was never unattractive, I just never knew how good I looked. I don’t mean this in a condescending or self-aggrandizing way. I mean that I always had the kind of beauty that just about everyone has, if they take the time to find it, if they make the effort to cultivate it.
If you’re someone who doesn’t look at themselves often, then I suggest you start. Pretend you’re preparing to audition for a role, if that helps; watch your expressions in the mirror, get used to how you look when you are moving, when you are sitting, when you are lying down on your side or your back or your belly. Become familiar with the power of your own smile, and recognize the power of your tired or sad expressions, too. Fall in love with yourself a little bit, and understand that lots of other people will fall in love with you, too — if you let them.
