I knew I would look different, but I was not ready for how different. I had not realized how much my body language had shifted, or what sort of energy I was projecting then and now. Back when I started going out into the world as Sera, I was clearly very happy, and there's a sort of innocent beauty to that, but I definitely looked (and felt) like a newborn deer.
By the second picture, after only three months, there's a confidence, even as my expression seems to be focused on possible problems with the outfit I'd thrown together that day. There's a sense of self-assurance, a sense that, even if I don't put together a decent look, I'll be able to figure out specifically why it didn't work, and come up with something more interesting the next day. This looks like a confident girl, but a girl who is on some level not quite a girl, someone who is studying very intently what "being a girl" means to her, so she can live true to that.
But, by the third picture, a real relaxed and natural femininity is coming through, and, in a way, that makes it the most mundane picture of the triptych. It's not a trans girl, figuring out her girl-ness, experimenting. It's just a girl, who threw on a dress and some cute tights, and took a quick picture before heading out for the day. The beauty is in the mundanity. The questions it evokes are not "what is gender?" or "was that really born a boy?" but "where'd she get that dress?" or "I wonder what she's up to tonight?"
It was a nice lift to my confidence as I headed into the final few days of the quarter. During those final few days, we had professional musicians in to play our pieces from Music Theory II. A cellist and a pianist were tasked with cold-reading about 15 pieces by 15 composers, and playing through them as best they could. When they started playing mine, I was overcome, and started crying. I knew the notes, I'd written them. I'd heard it in MIDI through Sibelius. But I wasn't ready for how beautiful it would sound with the live cello and piano. Even when I watched the video of it later, showing it to Kat, I started to tear up at the beginning. It was just so beautiful.
In the ensuing days, I have had my entire weekend through today saved by someone covering the cost of my weed vape (freeing up money for me to do things like eat, and have gas in the car, while also having my pain management), I have had my closet door fixed and dinner bought (and brought to me!) by a different friend, I have had Alex bring me home 90% cacao dark chocolate, and double dark chocolate ice cream when I was going mad with my first actual true craving for anything in my life, and I have had Shayla buy me a delicious chicken mole lunch before spending the afternoon hanging out with me and going thrifting for a little while. I have had a random antiques shop keeper give me a little bunny bank, from the '70s, the exact kind I had as a kid, and had forgotten about until I saw it at that moment in his store.
You may look that over and think, okay, big deal, a few people bought some things for you, or gave some things to you. And that's technically true. But the touching thing about all of them, to me, was that they showed some consideration for me, and some knowledge of who I am, along with a kind or loving gesture of generosity.
With the weed vape, this person had an opportunity to pick one up at a great price. They thought, "I don't use these, but I know someone who does, and I bet she'd really like this," so they got it for me. They thought about me, without any real substantial interaction with me yet, ever, and they got me this gift. And, quite randomly, it happened to not only be a thing that I do in fact really like, but also a thing that saved my weekend and any hope of my being social through it. More than anything else, though, I am really just so incredibly touched that they thought of me. I did not think that I figured that high in their mind.
With the bunny bank, I was wandering around in downtown Snohomish, which is a very, very small town, making its downtown only slightly larger than a very upscale living room. I was waiting for Kat to get home, because we were going to have a sleepover. I didn't want to go eat, because I was hoping she'd get home soon enough that we could go grab dinner together (with money that had been released by the gift of the weed vape).
So, basically, that left antique shops. I was down for that. Unfortunately, they were all closed. Well, almost all of them. One was open, and had an older gentleman sitting inside it near the front, going over some paperwork. We got to talking, and he mentioned he has a daughter my age, and how he, like me, was a veteran. He was very friendly and kind, and it was nice to just talk with some stranger somewhere without the topic going straight to my gender. I told him I'd be back the following week, with Jenn, to buy two of the bunny banks, and he jotted down his number and said I should call ahead to make sure he was open, because he keeps whatever hours he feels like. How small-town is that?
After I'd thanked him and left, I wandered around for a bit longer, and then returned to my car to warm up and grab my jacket. I got ahold of Kat, and she made it plain she would not be back any time soon, so I had to go do something about dinner. I'd also built up a pretty serious need to pee. I wandered back into town, but I was getting this look from one guy in particular, outside a biker bar, that I could not read at all. Usually, I can tell if the look is generally positive, neutral, or negative, but I could not read this guy even a little bit, and that was far creepier than it would have been if I had just gotten a negative vibe off of him.
I found myself back in the antiques shop, asking Michael, the owner, where I could safely go to get food and a bathroom in town here. I related the thing about the guy whose gaze I could not decipher, and how it was kind of freaking me out. He asked which bathroom I use, and I said, "I use the women's bathroom." He told me that normally he doesn't offer, but since I was a veteran and all, I could use his restroom, at the rear of the shop.
When I came back out, he was talking about the place across the street for food. I told him I wanted a basket of chicken strips and fries, and that that was basically all I'd wanted for about a week. He said he wasn't sure if they had that, but that they definitely had fish 'n' chips (which I said I'd settle for), and that he knew the staff there, and they were all good people. He told me to say hi to Lisa for him. So, off I went.
He was right. All the staff were very friendly, and nobody gave me any funny looks. They let me order off of the kids' menu (since I am tiny and do not eat much), and I got to finally enjoy my greasy basket of chicken strips and french fries. Michael even showed up to sit with me for a bit, saying he had had it with his taxes, and what was the point of being one's own boss, anyway, if he couldn't just close up shop and go eat when he felt like it?
Before leaving, myself (when Kat told me she was just about home), I thanked him for coming to sit by me. Much like I talked about in a previous post, when cis people sit with me out in public, and just spend time with me like they would with anyone else, it shows the whole world how not big a deal my being trans is. I told him as much, and he told me one last time that I was very brave, and that it was inspiring to see, or something along those lines.
With the chocolate, that is kind of Alex being Alex, but usually when I offer to pay, he tells me how much it was, and I give him that money. This time, he told me the price, but then quickly added that I shouldn't worry about it. Jackson, the guy who came to fix my closet door, was the same way. I asked him how much the fast food was, and how much the door parts were, and he said he'd gotten it, and for me to not worry about it. People just coming around and taking care of me. And it feels so nice.
It also feels nice to not question it, to not sit here and be like, "what do they want from me?" or "what did they do?" To just accept that I'm kind and fun and cute and whatever else, and people like being around me and seeing me smile. There are people like that in your life, too, who want to just be around you and see you smile. You might not know who they are, but they're there.
On top of all that, it's a beautiful sunny day, and it's Trans Day of Visibility, so I am just being flooded with images of all the variety and wonder the world has to offer. I'm so overwhelmed by it all that I honestly think I'm making less and less sense with every word. So, I'll leave you with this:
When you find yourself, celebrate. Everyone will want to join in. Let them.
