Feelings Are the Best

I know you’ll probably think that’s sarcasm, but it’s not.

Have you ever had your heart, like... not broken, but... like, you saw it roll off the edge of a table or something, right as it went over the edge, and there was nothing you could do to stop it, and now it's got a little crack? And you're just like, "oh. Well."

Captain America was flirting with me last night on Ok Cupid. It was a really light and pleasant conversation. He obviously didn’t really understand trans women or trans issues very well, but he seemed to be genuinely making an effort, and not fetishizing. He behaved as if he were honestly open to challenging his core beliefs, and revising them as appropriate. I felt like he was flirting with me as a human woman, and not as a trans girl like the ones from his favorite porn, or whatever the hell it is that I get much more often.

I had some trouble sleeping, so I allowed myself to imagine him in bed with me (which, by the way, is a terrible idea). Mostly just lying there in his arms. Some other stuff, too, but mostly that. And I got to kind of air some of my fears in a safe and vacant space, and just sort of enjoy that warm feeling you get when you immediately like someone on several levels, and you know that they feel that way about you, too.

I woke up stupidly early this morning, and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went to see if he’d sent me any notes. And he hadn't.

But he had deleted or suspended his account.

So, to recap (and expand), this was my journey:

1.     he’s kind of cute
2.     he’s kind of a tool
3.     okay he’s trying
4.     he really is kind of cute tho
5.     oh my god that is adorable
6.     ok here are some things i am afraid of
7.     yes thank you
8.     goodnight
9.     if you’re still up, i can’t sleep for some reason
10.     this feels so nice
11.     oh

And I got upset. I mean, I got really upset. I was sitting here crying, feeling like an idiot for ever even responding to him in the first place, trying to imagine what possible scenarios could result in a man who had just been very contentedly flirting with me literally four hours earlier suspending or deleting his account before I woke up the next day. Like... I mean, he said he worked on a tugboat. Who the fuck works on a tugboat? God, I’m such an idiot, sometimes.

I challenged a lot of this stuff. Internally, I mean. You know, like, “no, I’m not an idiot, I just opened myself up and then he disappeared, and that’ll probably happen again, but I can’t become too afraid of the possibility of this kind of pain to keep being open.” Anything that I had been automatically concluding was bad about me, or my fault, I was able to challenge and basically discard. And I gradually stopped crying.

So now, I’m just kind of like:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I had been upset. I had been really very upset. I felt the feels. And then they left. And now I’m basically fine again. And it’s that easy.

I spent so long avoiding feelings at all. I literally spent decades experiencing no emotion because I had become so afraid of how painful it was. My favorite therapist used to ask me, at the start of every appointment, "how do you feel?" and I would answer, "I don't know." But one day, maybe six months along, I said, "sad," and he said, "good! That means you're starting to experience emotion again." I was not pleased.

But now that I’ve discovered who I really am, I’ve also started to feel. Everything. Completely. All the time. And I love it. All of it. Even the bad. It’s so much simpler and cleaner this way. It feels natural. It feels right. It feels like being alive. And now, instead of carrying around some nameless distress that I can’t put my finger on for the rest of the day or the week or whatever, I’m just barely annoyed.

Feel your feels, people. Just... fuckin' feel 'em, it's so much better, I promise.