Last Tuesday was the last time I dressed outwardly male, or “in type,” as I say. For about a month leading up to that time, following my revelation, I’d been dressing outwardly male, but over feminine undergarments (socks, panties, camisole). Prior to that, of course, I had no idea I was a girl, so I dressed outwardly male — not liking myself or caring about myself, that meant I wore clothes socially prescribed for men, but with no real criteria beyond that. Basically, I’d grab the first shirt in my drawer, the top pair of underwear, top socks, etc. and not really concern myself at all about how I looked.
Once the Dean of Student Affairs took me to the security desk so they could be advised that I was actually female, and would thus use the women’s restroom (to preempt any complaints to security about me being in there resulting in my being grabbed on my way out of the restroom, or anything), I started dressing outwardly female the next day; last Wednesday. That meant my routine went from showers the night before, and getting up at 5:30a in order to do cat maintenance and leave by 6a, to getting up at 4a, taking a shower, and doing a lot of other things in the morning that I never would’ve done before (eating, doing a stretch routine, shaving my face, doing makeup).
Once Friday came around, my first day off of each week, since classes run Monday through Thursday for me, I just lounged around the house in sleep pants and a sweater. However, I knew I needed to go into town to get to the bus terminal and buy an ORCA card, as well as to stop by my friend’s house to pick up a package. I also had some boots to return to Target. Originally, I was going to just be lazy, give my skin a break, and not shave or do any makeup — just go out in outwardly male dress, run my errands, and go home. But as the time neared when I’d have to leave home, the thought upset me enough that I went ahead and got ready as a girl, after all.
While I was out running around, I felt my typical self-confidence and happiness, my New Normal base state of contentment (at worst). I was annoyed with Target for a hassle with my return, and I got the usual funny looks from one or two guys at the bus terminal, but other than that, I had no real obstacles, and my attitude remained upbeat. The only thing close to a down-side was that I was, as they say, all dressed up with nowhere to go, after I’d finished up at Target.
Today, on a Sunday, I was cleaning up around the house and I found an old oil filter in the box that I’d bought in April, but never used. It had the receipt in the box, and since money is especially tight right now, I went ahead and called the store to see if I could still return it. They said I could, so I decided to just go there today and get it taken care of. However, I thought, if I get ready as a girl, it will be a couple hours before I can even leave, probably. At the very least, I’d have to shave my face and put on makeup and fix my hair. Today, I was planning to shave my legs again, so they’ve been untouched since about Wednesday of last week, too, and I didn’t really want to have to get into the shower or bath twice.
Anyway, I decided to just go out dressed outwardly male, since it was one quick errand and nothing else. I pulled on some old boxer-briefs, plain white athletic socks, jeans, and a t-shirt. I didn’t want to dismantle my whole wallet or bring my purse, obviously, so I just grabbed my license and my phone, and then left. Along the way, I noticed that my mannerisms and physicality were still naturally rather feminine, which pleased me.
I did feel out of my skin, though, which struck me as somewhat odd. While I’d been dressing outwardly male but with feminine undergarments, I was sort of mildly irritated that I felt like I had to do that still, and eager to get on with dressing outwardly female, which I vastly preferred, but I didn’t have that kind of strong visceral reaction of feeling wrong. The odd part about the feeling was that I’d really only dressed female and gone out that way for a full regular day of being in public three times — the preceding Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.
One of those days was just for a couple hours, not even to school; just running some errands. For me to go from mild irritation at the idea of being dressed outwardly male all the way to it feeling completely wrong after just two and a half days of dressing outwardly female seemed like a pretty big shift in a very short span of time. But then, I suppose all of this has been running along rather quickly.
Once I got to the store, the guy handling my return asked if I had the original debit card. I didn’t bring anything with me like that, since I’d never had any place that took a payment on debit argue at all about giving a refund in cash, with a receipt. I explained that I didn’t have my debit card on me, and that I didn’t think I had that particular card anymore anyway. He said he couldn’t just give me cash back, but then gave me cash — about half of what the receipt said the thing had been bought for. I’m guessing he processed it as a return without receipt, giving me the lowest price in the last 90 days or whatever. I was annoyed that he didn’t even tell me he was going to do that, and ask if I was okay with that.
On my way out of the store, I started to feel pretty frustrated and upset. Basically over a difference of about $5. But really it was more, I think, about my state of appearance and dress. The upset felt as close to my old constant state of depression as I’d felt since the depression evaporated over a month ago. I felt wrong just being out like that to begin with, and then I ran into a minor obstacle, so I got disproportionately upset. Once I realized that, of course, I kind of laughed at myself and just drove home.
But on the way home, I thought to myself, I’m never going out dressed like this again. And once I got there, I got out of those clothes immediately, and back into my women’s sleep pants.
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