On Misgendering

I was misgendered a few times yesterday, but most of them did not really bother me that much.

The first time was one of the nurses accidentally saying “him” about me, but when I called her on it, she got really defensive and said she had not said that (which is kind of nice, I guess, it at least shows that she knows it would be wrong).  I pointed out that she had done it while not looking at me, and that I’ve noticed that that’s relatively common among people who absolutely do not mean to misgender me at all.  I think it’s because they only hear my voice, and their brain automatically says “male,” which makes sense.  It’s kind of frustrating, but it doesn’t upset me the way that someone deliberately being shitty about my gender would.

However, if a trans person says you’ve misgendered them, odds are that they heard you right and you slipped and didn’t notice.  Given that their dysphoria is a real and awful thing to have to live with, it’s probably best to just apologize for it sincerely, even if you don’t remember doing it, or think you didn’t.  Acknowledge the fact that they are vastly more attuned to incorrect gender pronouns addressed to them than you (likely) are about (hopefully accidentally) using them, and just let them know that you would never intentionally do that.  Maybe even thank them for pointing it out, if you really want to come out like a hero.

The next time was when I went to the Travel window (where veterans get their reimbursements for travel expenses related to getting medical care).  I was signing up for direct deposit, but my legal name is one thing, and the name that my bank (still!!!) has is my old one.  I didn’t want there to be any problem, so I was explaining the situation to the lady at the window, and showed her my court order for the name change.  She was asking a superior about what to do, and at first, she referred to me in the masculine.  While I was upset, and maybe visibly so, since there was this thick panel of bulletproof glass between us, shouting at her about it would’ve just been embarrassing, so I had to ride it out.

The really cool part about this is that while she was trying to explain the situation to her supervisor, she seemed to become confused, herself, about what she was saying, as she looked back and forth between me, my paperwork, and her supervisor.  Midway through her explanation, she switched to feminine pronouns for me, and stuck with them from that point forward, and for some reason, that was far more pleasing to me than if I had corrected her and gotten a simple apology and had her correctly address me from there.  Something about it was really beautiful, and I felt (oddly) more acknowledged in my gender than any other way that it could have gone, I think.

The last time I was misgendered yesterday was in the kind of situation that it still most commonly occurs in, which is when I call phone support for anything.  I don’t blame these people; my name is kind of unusual, and I still sound like a guy on the phone.  I had called about a problem with my phone bill, and the guy who answered kept calling me sir, so I gently corrected him.  He apologized profusely, and I let him know that it was okay, and that I wasn’t upset with him, because I understand why he’d make the mistake.  But he seemed genuinely upset that he’d insulted me (in his view; I didn’t feel particularly insulted), and got my payment for the billing changes reduced after convincing his supervisor that that’s what they ought to do because of his rudeness.  Or however he characterized it, I don’t know.

The thing that all of these events have in common is that none of the people involved really deliberately misgendered me, or refused to acknowledge or accept my gender.  And that is extremely heartening.  Not just for me, but for trans people in general.